pms will be the death of me. 

my boyfriend is making me feel anxious about our sushi habit. he keeps mentioning testing ourselves for mercury poisoning. i don’t think he knows how much of a hypochondriac i am. i can’t stop thinking about that one time in 5th grade when this kid dylan threw a thermometer on the ground and danced on top of it and the teacher made us go inside the portable and yelled at all of us. 

if i got mercury poisoning now, i don’t know if anybody would yell at me. i’m not sure. 

seems scary… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_poisoning

i adjusted the tinker toys in my brain to create a world in which things might function properly

i set them up, with sticks in the holes of colored wooden bolts, and built a structure that stabbed straight through the frontal and parietal lobes of my brain. i want to reason, to not fall down.

i stuck  a wheel through the temporal and occipital, because who would want to forget your face? or the time we drank so much caffeine i was shaking while we watched the police take angry people off of the train? or the time you liked the salad i made you and you ate mine too?

in an effort to join two parts, i forced them together, but to join two humans together, you cannot do that.

it is a lot harder, i think.

i’ve heard it takes time. nobody has ever told me how long it might take.

so, occasionally, i spin the wheel in my brain, to watch the looped memories i’ve started stock-piling. i think about the things i will say to you, sometimes 10 minutes in advance, maybe. i try not to wake you when you are asleep because you look tired and peaceful when you are asleep. sometimes i want to kiss your face.

but maybe this time i might function properly.

occasionally he is moaning and snoring in his sleep. when he does this i feel tired too, maybe because he sounds so comfortable. last night i got very drunk and cried quietly in his bed due to sexual anxiety and he asked what was wrong and told me he cared about me even though i just pretended to be asleep. he rubbed my back gently through my shirt until i really fell asleep. i feel nervous that he may someday read this and feel ‘exposed’ or think that i’m ‘creepy’ and tell his friends about the ‘creepy girl who blogged about him sleeping.’

i feel nervous that one day my brain will stop cooperating with my body and i would physically be as disattached as i currently feel

zoom in circles around my skull

sit on the end of my bed with me

touch my hamster

touch my dog

touch me on my face

whisper at me in public so that i can’t hear you

ask me my favorite color and forget to listen to my answer

hold my hand, then let it go without me realizing

tell me a story in which i am the protagonist

tell me a story in which somebody i hate resembles the antagonist,

then in the story let me seem funnier than them

kiss my leg

kiss my split hair

steal chewing gum out of my mouth

unwrap my tampons and put them in water

kick my shins with your toes

plant a garden with me and watch it die

call our garden a piece of shit

call me a piece of shit and apologize immedietly

to me at least

i guess it might come to me, with a funny noise accompanying it

but then i slide it away, just out of reach,

and then it comes to me, with a funny noise accompanying it

why do i even try anymore,

i should just do things while thinking about nothing?

is that the next step?

you put a grape in your bag of weed to make it feel less dry

i put a grape in my mouth to have something to do with my hands

i made you feel bad when i didn’t want to have sex with you

but i don’t want to do it, i don’t want to do it with anybody

i want somebody to ride the dart rail with me all night

and maybe drink jack daniels out of coke bottles with me

but not think i’m an alcoholic

for putting jack daniels into coke bottles.

i have this little thingy mabob that i can plug into my phone

that will let us listen to it with two sets of headphones

it is shaped like a heart, we won’t even have to share.

we can both turn our heads without having to tell each other first.

we can BOTH drink out of one coke bottle though

we can just get a few, but share one the whole time

and wear coats and hats

and feel warm

does anybody think that sounds very nice?

i googled sliding trombone to listen to a sliding trombone and i found this and i like it

<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/FrlA3RWGIHg” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen>

out of character, but as we grow and the bricks and mortar are chipped away from our skulls,

i would hate to stay so flat.

so stare into my eyes again? that felt neat and adventurous.

but because of the way i feel, i will take things slow from now on

i will look at my life and then look at my life again and look at it again, each time slowing down a few milliseconds

until you taking place in it seems boring and tedious

be able to pick apart your face

and gently place it back together

but you should know that i’m no artist

or craftsman

and

the way i would adhere your features

well, i might use gorilla glue

or rubber cement

or maybe a staple gun if you won’t stick

and what i’d do

it might hurt you really bad

and i don’t want to hurt you really bad

so i might just pick apart your face

in what is under my face

and you can pick apart mine

in what is under yours

and then we won’t even have to talk

we can just do puzzles together all day

i have trekked through seemingly vacant land

only to meet things that understand

i have curated relationships with polar bears

and they like to cuddle

and the cubs like to play

their claws protected by mittens i knitted for them

and the penguins

i have talked to them

and ate crustaceans with them

and we feasted

and had conversations about melting glaciers

and cried

and the penguins came to my igloo in the morning

to wake me up

never tired or groggy

full of life,

sliding down elaborate ice slides

into water that felt like my old neighborhood pool

and i would go with them

and swim under the ice with them

and they found it strange

how i liked to start fires

but they decided cooked shrimp

might taste better

and they told me i’d never feel alone with all of them

i’ve come back to texas

and the weather is unseemly

and i can see my breath

from miles away making every word i say

last, hanging around my mouth in front of me

to tell me that i have just said something

that somebody probably doesn’t agree with

and at night i feel cold

because the polar bears can’t cuddle me here

and the penguins don’t wake me up in the mornings

so instead, i sleep

in a room

with blankets

and pillows

and breath

the words i guess the professor was saying in that room

when all of those people got up and and head butted themselves against the walls

but i have every intention of finding out sometime

and, i still haven’t felt a genuine feeling of panic

what words would i shout, i hope they’re not embarrassing

i hope it would be something like “i will surviiiiiive”  in a warrior call manner

but my best friend said i just stand in one place and scream when i’m scared and i trust him with most things.

i miss the way it felt when you would hold my hand because it made me want to head butt things and survive.

i am happy we both exist, even if it is not together sometimes.

i want to sit on a ledge, with a moving body of water under my feet, and maybe cars driving behind me, with the weather being poignant and the sky being grey but i don’t know, it doesn’t seem like that is possible right now.

there is an excellent chance that i will consume over 6000 calories tomorrow, 4000 being in the form of pie, maybe. i can’t decide how i feel about it, i think neutral, but part of me thinks that i should feel guilty. i don’t know if i feel guilty about the future pie, maybe only about the ‘gravy’ aspect of this meal. i am already feeling guilty about the gravy. gravy guilt. pictured gravy filling holes and tunnels in my brain and coming out of my nose and it would make me feel that drowning feeling, i bet. i’ve been feeling that drowning feeling a lot after looking down and back up again lately. suspicious as to what my body is telling me.

oh, also, i almost fell for a pyramid scheme last night, so i guess that’s where my common sense stands. but i mean, it was very warm & snuggly in the room and i felt tired and everybody who spoke was friendly and attractive.

figuring out a bunch of shortcuts on this macbook, feel computer savvy when i figure one out without google.

alternating thoughts/feelings between “happy-depressed but too fat” and “fucking starving.